Thoughts I had while watching Deep Blue Sea (1999)

*spoilers*

Previously: Thoughts I had while watching Alien

  1. I think what happened with this movie is they were like, “So, it’s the 90’s. Jurassic Park is really big. Jurassic Park was great. What if we did that again, but underwater… and worse?”

  2. Wow, Samuel L. Jackson is young

  3. Aquatica DOES look like Alcatraz, that is an accurate assessment

  4. Three floors in this building, all underwater. Lots of glass windows. Sounds totally fine and very safe. 

  5. Ohhhhhhh yeah, this guy’s a shark wrestler. He’s all, “I wrestle sharks and flirt with my coworkers”, as you do 

  6. Was the Crocodile Hunter big in the 90s? I never really connected Steve Irwin’s popularity with Jurassic Park popularity but there does seem to be a similar theme of “nature is amazing and will absolutely kill you”

  7. I can’t tell if Scientist Lady’s posh accent is real or not, but I suppose I’m not qualified to make such judgements 

  8. Hahahaha wait, did the sharks just take out the cameras? Amazing. 

  9. “They’re smart. They’re hunting in packs,” - like, um, velociraptors? 

  10. Samuel L. Jackson: “You didn’t genetically engineer these sharks to have ginormous brains, did you?” Scientist Lady: “I would very much like to be excluded from this narrative.” 

  11. If all you did was watch movies, you would think that the main danger of smoking is not that it causes cancer but that it attracts wild animals

  12.  Oh dang!! 

  13. Oh noooooooooo

  14. That was ROUGH. He ALMOST survived. 

  15. At first the shark was just being a shark. Now the shark is just being a dick. 

  16. Oh gosh, everything is burning! That is not optimal. 

  17. Oh no, Brenda! You’re the only one whose name I know!

  18. I feel kind of bad for not remembering the character’s names but they only say them like one time for each person, so 

  19. Okay, here’s the thing about shark movies. Sharks are objectively terrifying, so it makes sense that we have lots of movies about them. But the problem with sharks as movie monsters is that they only have, like, one move. 

  20. So, in order to escalate the stakes, you have to have your movie sharks do more and more dramatic things, to make it feel like the sharks are becoming MORE dangerous throughout the film, instead of doing what sharks generally do, which is to just exist, continuously, at a high level of danger, without much variation.

  21. Anyway.

  22. Cook Guy keeps cracking jokes about how he’s not going to live, so maybe he will live? 

  23. The parrot will not though. The parrot is a goner. 

  24. Don’t stand so close to the pool!!!!

  25. AGGGHHhhhHHHHH

  26. Sometimes the blood and gore is unsettlingly real and other times it looks like someone let their toddler scribble with red marker on the film. 

  27. Oh, wow. The ceiling is on fire. Relatable. 

  28. Euuuugggggghhhhhh 

  29. I thought she might survive there, I now realize that was foolish. 

  30. What happened to the miracle Alzheimer’s cure that they pulled from the shark brain? I totally lost track of that. 

  31. Wait, why is Scientist Lady stripping out of her wetsuit to electrocute the shark again? I’m half watching this and half reading about Steve Irwin on my phone. 

  32. My fiance explained it’s because of the insulation. I’m willing to accept this.

  33. This is why, again, not to be obnoxious, I feel like one should maybe not build three story structures underwater. 

  34. They helpfully provided average swim times for sharks and humans in the script, so I’m doing the math in my head for how long it will take them to reach the surface. 

  35. Noooooooooooooo

  36. Oh! He lived! Okay! He’s alive, everyone. 

  37. This is the part in the movie where it’s kind of over but not yet. The Twisty Bit, as it’s called in the industry. 

  38. It actually does make sense that a very smart shark would try to escape

  39. Wait - that reminds me- did they ever find out how that shark escaped in the beginning? 

  40. Whoa!! Scientist Lady is nobly sacrificing herself! I did not expect that!

  41. Dude! 

  42. I know you’re the shark wrestler, but you don’t have to LEAP into the WATER! You HAVE a harpoon! 

  43. Why did you not… use the harpoon? 

  44. You’re letting a perfectly good harpoon go to waste. 

  45. YES COOK GUY! USE THE HARPOON LIKE A SENSIBLE MAN. 

  46. Wait, so, the battery, connected to the harpoon, electrocutes the shark? So why did it blow up like it was hit with a nuke?

  47. I’ve determined that asking logistical questions is not conducive to enjoyment of this movie. 

  48. Just two bros, nuking a killer shark. 

  49. This movie was exactly what you would think, and there’s a certain comfort in that.