Studies Show Your Woman Body is Up to Something

Hi! I’m Brad, your new virtual assistant. I’m so glad you’ve stopped by Google to research your unpleasant menstrual symptoms. I know you must be really uncomfortable and stressed out, so worry not. I’ll get you squared away in no time. 

After carefully considering the symptoms you gave me, and looking at all of the available search results, I can tell you definitively that you are either a) pregnant, or b) already dead. 

What?

Are you sure you’re not pregnant? This Web MD article seems to think you are. 

I mean, you always could be pregnant, right? Isn’t having a uterus sort of like, Schrodinger’s pregnancy? Couldn’t you be like… metaphorically pregnant, even if you’re if not literally pregnant?

Okay! Okay, not pregnant. 

Have you considered, then, that you might be dead? There’s a 30% chance that you are dead, according to this Reddit post from 2007.

Look, I don’t know what to tell you. Those are the only two options. 

Oh, I didn’t realize you wanted to look at “large” “peer-reviewed” “studies”. Fine, if you want to be fancy - here’s an experiment on two French mice from 1883.

It’s actually kinda funny, cause it looks like your symptoms are really common among women. Weird that there’s been so little research on this! It must be because the female body is so hard to study, like dark matter. 

Okay, I’ll keep looking. 

Have you considered that maybe this discomfort you’re feeling is because of original sin? 

NO DON’T TURN ME OFF 

Um. Drink some ginger tea? 

I don’t know. Freakin’ moon magic.