Human Reviews

A Rookiemag homage

Rookie used to have this great column where they would review real people, so that’s what we’re going to do today. 

BABY EATING A PENCIL AT CHURCH---> 5 stars

  • Top baby points for toothy grinning, eraser chewing, and just starting to figure out how to wave at people

NICELY DRESSED LADY AT THE MT AIRY CONTRA DANCE>4.5  stars

  • Taught me to lean back while swinging, didn’t seem to mind my discomfort with extended eye contact

THAT ONE GUY AT THE SAME CONTRA DANCE WHO SAID, “THERE’S A LOT OF NEW PEOPLE HERE TONIGHT’ REAL LOUDLY --> 3 stars

  • I mean, I get it 

MY SO-CALLED “DICKENS” “PROFESSOR” WHO INEXPLICABLY PREFERRED A TALE OF TWO CITIES TO BLEAK HOUSE  -2 stars

  • He didn’t like Esther as a narrator??

  • was also constantly on my back about mixing metaphors

  • well, Look at Me NOw 

GUY AT MY COLLEGE PARTY WHO, AFTER SOMEONE ACCIDENTALLY KICKED A BEER ONTO MY HEAD FROM THE STAIRWELL WHILE I WAS WORKING THE CHECK IN DESK (IT WAS QUAKER COLLEGE), ASKED ME HOW I WAS, LISTENED TO ME COMPLAIN, AND OFFERED TO GET ME WATER—>5 stars

  • the kind of person who’s so nice they make you feel guilty for wasting time being mad at things like getting beer in your hair, instead of, like, income inequality

  • I hope that guy has a great life